A resource for women like me

When life came crashing down around me for the second time in my marriage, I was in need of different resources. Separation has been the right choice for me, and at this point I don’t see a path that will bring my husband and I back together. Most sex addiction support groups, blogs, books, etc. that I have found center around partners who are each striving to make their marriage work.

But what about when that is not possible? What help is there out there for those of us whose spouses have chosen their addiction over us so completely, that the only safe choice is to walk away from the relationship?

I don’t have any of the answers, but I hope to create a small corner of the internet where women can feel not alone in their choice to separate or divorce their sex addicted spouse. In all things, I hope the Lord guides your choices and comforts your heart. I feel grateful for a Heavenly Father who has made known to me that He will support me through whatever choice I make. I know He will take care of the rest.

Until Seventy Times Seven

I wasn’t sure what to name this blog. “Wives of Sex Addicts,” “Alone and looking for support,” or “Betrayed and really mad about it!” were appropriate (though terrible) titles. 

At church today, someone gave a lesson on Elder Lynn G. Robbins talk titled “Until Seventy Times Seven.”

Nephi’s unwavering faith helped him go from failure to failure until he finally obtained the brass plates. It took Moses 10 attempts before he finally found success in fleeing Egypt with the Israelites.

We may wonder—if both Nephi and Moses were on the Lord’s errand, why didn’t the Lord intervene and help them achieve success on their first try? Why did He allow them—and why does He allow us—to flounder and fail in our attempts to succeed? Among many important answers to that question, here are a few:

  • First, the Lord knows that “these things shall give [us] experience, and shall be for [our] good.”4

  • Second, to allow us to “taste the bitter, that [we] may know to prize the good.”5

  • Third, to prove that “the battle is the Lord’s,”6 and it is only by His grace that we can accomplish His work and become like Him.7

  • Fourth, to help us develop and hone scores of Christlike attributes that cannot be refined except through opposition8 and “in the furnace of affliction.”9

Why did the Lord allow this to happen to me? Why, when I tried with all my heart and might, did my marriage collapse so suddenly? I’ve strived for a successful relationship, why has this ‘righteous desire’ been denied me?

The last thing I want to think about sometimes is that this is all “for my good.” That one day I’ll look back and have learned from this experience. But at other times, it really helps me to get a glimpse of God’s eternal plan for me. It’s certainly better when I spend time in that mental place.

I also have a strong testimony of each individual’s agency. Each person gets to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices affect other people, and sometimes in traumatic and terrible ways. And God allows that to happen, because to take away a person’s agency is to rob them of the whole purpose of our human existence. I didn’t choose for my spouse to lie to me, act out sexually, and want to leave me. Nothing I did makes me responsible for his behaving in that way. However, I now get to choose what to do because of that. I have different choices to make, but I still get to make my own choices.

This is where the forgiveness comes in. In the depths of my pain and grief, thinking about forgiving the person whose choices brought me here is at times unfathomable. It doesn’t seem possible. But I’ve done it before and I hope to again. Forgiveness is not the same as trust, nor is it the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is a gift I give myself and one that my Heavenly Father begs for me to take part in.

Christ taught us:

21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

-Matthew 18:21-22

And what about me? How often will the Lord forgive me? How often will Christ rescue me? Until seventy times seven. And then a few more thousand times.

Elder Robbins said, “We need to continue getting up each time we fall, with a desire to keep growing and progressing despite our weaknesses. In our weakness, He reassures us, “My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor 12:9)”

My faith in Christ is what keeps me going. My faith that God’s plan is better than mine. My faith that angels surround me every day- in my family and friends and in unseen spirits that fill my lonely apartment. This road is so long, and I take comfort that until seventy times seven, I will forgive and Christ will succor me.